She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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