Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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