I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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