First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
