I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
