everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
me + whiskey = a bad person
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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