before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
