1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
