Will you blow on my dice?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
