dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
