Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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