and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You're breaking my sexual little heart
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
