well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
