I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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