Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize