1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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