that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
