Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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