i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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