maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
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Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
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He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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