so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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