They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
