In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
