Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
