chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
