Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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