You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
even my farts smell like vagina
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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