I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
