those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
