Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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