sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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