I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
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