why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just want to make out with him forever
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
