He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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