don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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