Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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