just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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