if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
