this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
