He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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