All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
