When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
