You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
