She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
