I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position