take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
