Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
