addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
