Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
