Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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