just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
