I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
