I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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