tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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