my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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