YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
