fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
