hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
