Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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