If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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