I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
