He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
